In a world where perfection seems like the ultimate goal, many of us find ourselves caught in a relentless cycle of self-criticism and impossible standards. The pressure to excel in every aspect of our lives, whether it's our careers, relationships, or personal endeavors, often leads to feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. This phenomenon is commonly known as perfectionism, and its accompanying inner critic can be merciless and take a toll on our self-image.
Perhaps there’s a little (or loud) voice inside that is constantly pointing out your flaws and mistakes, and is quick to reject any sign of a compliment. This harsh voice can tell us that we're not good enough, that we'll never measure up to others, and that our worth is contingent upon our achievements. And if we listen to that voice enough, it starts to sound like our only voice, and we start to believe and internalize its messaging.
For those of us who struggle with perfectionism and self-esteem, the inner critic can feel like an ever-present companion, whispering words of doubt and self-loathing at every turn. We find ourselves constantly striving for an unattainable standard of perfection, because then, and only then, will we finally look in the mirror and feel proud of who we see. And when we inevitably fall short of our impossibly high standards, the inner critic pounces, reinforcing our feelings of failure and inadequacy.
But here's the thing about perfectionism: it's a trap. It's a never-ending pursuit of an ideal that simply doesn't exist (despite what social media tricks us into believing!). No matter how hard we try, we will never be perfect. It's an impossible standard that no one can live up to, no matter how flawless they may seem on the surface. And I don’t know about you, but I don’t have much in common with those that appear “perfect”. I connect with the humans that are authentic, relatable and messy - figuring it out as they go.
So how do we break free from the grip of perfectionism and turn down the volume on that inner critic? The answer lies in practicing self-compassion. (I know - this feels like a cliche therapy answer, but bear with me!)
Self-compassion is not about shouting blanket affirmations at your reflection in the mirror (“I am so beautiful!!). I don’t think that’s the answer. It's about treating ourselves with the same kindness, understanding, and empathy that we would extend to a friend in need. It's about recognizing that we are only human, and that we are inherently flawed and imperfect – and that's okay. In practicing self-compassion, we can (and should) still take honest accountability for the actions and patterns within our control. However, we also learn to be *a bit* more gentle with ourselves in the meaning we assign to these “failures”. Instead of berating ourselves for our mistakes, we meet them with curiosity and understanding. We reflect on our mistakes and learn from them, but we also extend ourselves grace, acknowledge our humanity, and remind ourselves that our mistakes do not diminish our worth as individuals.
Self-compassion also involves cultivating a sense of perspective and acceptance. Many of us find ourselves in the following cycle: setting an unrealistic goal → not meeting it → feeling guilt/shame for not meeting it. Sometimes self-compassion requires a reframe in our expectations of ourselves. Are these expectations kind? Reasonable? Realistic? Would I place these expectations on anyone else?
But building our self-esteem through self-compassion is easier said than done, especially for those of us who have spent years listening to and internalizing the message of our inner critic. It takes time and effort to rewire our brains and cultivate a more compassionate inner dialogue, and I would love to walk alongside you in this journey. In our time together, here are a few things we would explore:
Notice when your inner critic is speaking - what just happened? What just triggered this voice to turn on? What purpose do I think this “inner critic” part is trying to fulfill?
Pay attention to the messages of your inner critic. Where did I learn this? Does this sound like my voice or someone else’s? Would I say these things to a friend?
Practice “reframing” messages with self-compassion. Can we turn “I disappointed a friend so I’m a terrible person” into: “ I accidentally hurt someone I care about. Let me look at the whole picture of what happened so that I can learn from it. I’m choosing to forgive myself, and reminding myself that I am still a caring and kind friend, who is allowed to make mistakes”
Be patient with yourself. Undoing this voice won’t happen overnight, and there will inevitably be setbacks along the way. But with practice and perseverance, you can learn to quiet that inner critic and find a voice of compassion and confidence.
Perfectionism and the inner critic can be powerful forces that hold us back from achieving the self-esteem, confidence and empowerment that many of us are craving. If this resonates with you, I’d love to walk alongside you in your journey. Let’s connect to chat more about next steps.